It’s pretty common to hear people talk about boundaries in relationships all over social media, especially now around Valentine’s Day. Boundaries can be defined simply as the limits and rules we set in relationships that determine what is acceptable or not. But with so many different interpretations on how to set ones’ boundaries, it can be easy to lose the message on what healthy boundaries look like. Here are some common misconceptions:
Myth 1: Boundaries are the same for everyone, all the time.
Fact: Boundaries can vary by situation and by your relationship with a person. Just because you give your friend a hug doesn’t mean you want one from your boss. Feelings you share in private might be uncomfortable to bring up in a crowded coffee shop.
Myth 2: Boundaries are telling other people what to do.
Fact: Boundaries are set for ourselves. You cannot force someone to change their behavior, but you can let them know how you will respond if they act in a certain way. It is important to communicate how you plan to respond respectfully, without judgement or blame. Be specific and use “I” statements to express your emotions.
Myth 3: Boundaries are about pushing people away.
Fact: Having healthy boundaries can actually strengthen your relationships. Boundaries aren’t just about saying no; they’re about saying yes to what’s right for you. Having boundaries that are too rigid can end with you keeping people at a distance. You may feel detached from the problems of others and ignore their opinions. You can even come across as aggressive. Be willing to expand your comfort zone and compromise when possible. Having boundaries that are too flexible can lead to you being overly involved in others’ problems and oversharing your own problems. Don’t be afraid to say no and assert your personal values.
Myth 4: There are certain boundaries that are “right” to have.
Fact: Boundaries are as varied as the person who is setting them. They can be heavily influenced by culture. Use your own values as a compass to determine what boundaries feel right for you to set. Pay attention to strong emotions that may come up for you - they can help you determine when it is time to set a boundary.
Myth 5: Boundaries are only about physical limits.
Fact: Boundaries can be set on a variety of fronts. It is common to set boundaries around your personal space and physical touch, or who and how you express your sexuality. But you can also set boundaries on sharing feelings, thoughts, and ideas. You can set boundaries on sharing your physical possessions or money. You can set boundaries with how you spend your time.
How many of these myths did you already know?
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